Types of People in an Elevator.

If you count all the minutes you spend in an elevator, they might add up to be a total day in a month. That is a lot of time…and eventually you figure out the different types of people you come across in a lift. They are –

1. The Operator – This person can be easily identified. Every time he steps into an elevator the first question he asks everybody is ” which floor ? “. Might get upset if you have already pressed the buttons, or reach across and do it your self in his presence. His nemesis is the lift-man who not only gets to operate the buttons but also gets a stool to sit on.

The operator also is in charge of the fan switch. In certain instances he figures that people can go without the comforts of a fan for a couple of minutes and hence does not turn it on. Also thinks that pressing the >|< and <> buttons is a part of his moral duty.

2. The Security Man – This person thinks that the security of every person on the lift is his personal duty. In-spite of space being available inside the elevator this person insists on standing just before the door and is always seen entering and exiting at every floor to let people out and in (inspecting them in the mean time). They tend to be men of valor who stand facing the doors with their chests swollen in pride and arms folded in readiness. They also act as the custodians of the safety of all the elevator folk.

Also are door-pals with the operator.

3. The Wall Hugger – They are people who dash towards the walls of the elevator the instant the doors open. In case the back wall is taken the try to hide their despair and occupy the side walls. The wall hugger has a modus operandi that involves the clear-cut search for a space that is close to the walls of the elevator. He darts in,pushes people off along the way, gets his place, and then apologizes for the inconvenience caused.

4. The Evaluator – This person runs an eye over everybody in the lift. Once the first glance is cast, he or she then starts focusing on individuals and starts marking them eye to toe. There are various parameters on which such people evaluate you – which company you could be working in, single or married, how much you could earning, etc.

A sub-species of this type is The Starer. This is mostly a man. His job is to stare at anybody who enters the lift. A stare back doesn’t discourage this guy. The fact that the stare is going to last only 30+ seconds helps. Mind you, he doesn’t just stare at women….men also end up being his target.

5. The Evader – This person avoids all eye contact when inside the lift. They will take out their handkerchief and play with it, then stare at the fan or AC vent on top, then look at the buttons, stare at the floor indicator at the top of the lift etc. They will do anything to avoid eye contact with you – even looking at their own shoes.

6. The back-to-the-door person – For some odd reason, they stand with their back to the door till they reach their destination floor – opening or closing of the lift doesn’t help in changing their orientation. Complements The Wall Hugger.

7. The Mobile-Handler – Often receive msgs or emails often while in the elevator. If not the case then just take out their phone and start fooling around. Another characteristic is saying “in the elevator call later” . May get off on the wrong floor while engrossed in phone, look around and then step back in. 

A sub species is also The Boss – mostly on the phone discussing office work and generally mouthing instructions to (presumably) a secretary. Often looks around upon other people as unworthy of riding the elevator with him. The phone is most commonly a high-end smart phone. ( also has the added characteristics of an evaluator and a starer ).

Honorable Mention –

  • That lady : The ideal companion in an elevator. Dressed from head to toe in  perfume and often seen holding a file. Standard accessory is an over-sized branded hand bag.

Decade of lessons

I recently turned 22. A responsible age so to say.  This has made me think of how much life has changed or even hasn’t changed in the past 10 years. It’s made me think of what lessons I’ve learned, which ones I wished I learned a little earlier and which ones I wish someone told me about. For that reason, I would like to take a minute to write a letter to my 12-year old self.

My dear twelve-year-old self,

When I think of you, I want to weep because I remember you as a timid little sparrow that tried to look like an eagle. You proved to be neither… A phoenix. That’s what you were. Burning and recreating yourself. Like a curse and like a blessing.

In a year’s time you will be 13. It is okay if it doesn’t seem like you have found your clique of friends yet.  Your best friendships are yet to come.  You will have great friends in life.  Friends that know exactly what cartoon video to put on to make you feel better, friends that you will stay up all night with for no reason at all except that the conversation never stops.  Friends that encourage you to follow your passion and friends that encourage you to leave your comfort zone, but are protective enough to say, ‘make good choices’ before you embark on a new adventure. When you turn 19 your best friend will cease to live. Life will seem unfair and unjust.  It’s going to suck more than anything you’ve ever been through, and luckily, you will have Mom by your side to support you. Slowly you will understand how life works in very odd, very bittersweet ways.

You will discover that school and grades are not everything.  Yes, you will have a fluke genius moment and get 100% on your maths exam when you were sure that you had no idea what you were doing.  (It was short-lived and lasted only for that one exam).  It is not so much what you are learning, but the work ethic that you learn from your dedication to school and extra curricular activities that keeps you moving forward and, ultimately allows you to enjoy life to its fullest.

At 15 you will meet a teacher who will slowly turn into a mentor and a guide. Don’t let go of her, keep in touch. Let me warn you that you will lose contact with her over the years…but try and locate her later on, this will bring tremendous joy to both of you.

17 will be an important year as you will shift base to India. You will be amazed to see the difference in people. New surroundings will inspire you to take more risks and be more creative. You will be known for you high-pitched voice and weird choices. Don’t stress yourself over these petty things. There will be times when your wish you never had come back but its alright, these years will help mould you into a stronger self.

Don’t worry.  You will end up doing so much more than you ever thought you would. Trust your instincts because they have proven to be trustworthy and make sure you take risks, because they always seem to put you in the right place at the right time.

At one point of time bhaiya will introduce you to Jeffery Archer and country music. This shall be the start of a life-long love affair. You will turn out to be a big admirer of George Cloony and Meryl Streep even though you don’t know who they are right now. You will eventually turn out to be a big fan of Jagjit Singh even though you hate that kind of music now. In your late teens a social networking website facebook will take the world by storm and I am glad to inform you that you won’t turn out to be an addict. Guess what, Tendulkar is still around and we did win the world cup. Speaking of cricket Gillespie took retirement when you turned 16 but don’t worry you did not actually die of shock like you thought you would.

Oh and love :) You are picky, and you don’t waste your time on crushes.  You like who you like, and if you aren’t absolutely positive that you like him, it means that you don’t.   Unfortunately, you will experience heartbreak but you will also experience a love and companionship that still surprises you.  It’s supposed to be easy, and when you find the right person, it is.

Life is nothing but easy. You’ll be glad you sorted this out early. And even though I’ve never said this I love you and I am proud of all that you’ve done…

And yes you still love the colour orange and sunflowers…and you still don’t know why ! I guess somethings never change :)

– An older you…

PS – you still love this photo of yours…even if you don’t admit it…

The Pressure To Party

Today is the 2nd day of 2012 and apart from wishing everyone a happy new year the most common conversation starter remains a simple question – “What did you do on 31st ?”

Well I did nothing !

Why is it so hard to accept that I had no plans for bringing in the new year ! I spent some good family time with my parents. Yes I am a 21-year old ( soon to be 22 :) ) and I was at home…

The pressure to party doesn’t just come from peers, but traditions, culture, society, even the economy all contribute to and perpetuate the perception that the college years are party years. Any student who chooses to resist this unhealthy stereotype is facing a monumental challenge.This direct pressure comes from a source that is a bit farther removed and extremely sinister.

College students are expected to party by just about everyone.

The “entertainment” industry has cranked out thousands of raunchy movies having to do with college frivolity. The music most young people listen to is replete with references to drinking and more. The media has created a facade of what a “grown up” looks like: someone who is attractive, fit, holding a beer in one hand, wearing over priced fashions, driving an expensive car to pick up an attractive member of the opposite gender for a casual afternoon ( often known as “fun” ). If a student chooses not to participate people insist they are missing the full college experience.

If I say no to “partying” it doesn’t mean that I am not interesting or nice to talk to. It simply means that I do not want to party. That’s it. And for all the times that people ignore this fact and egg me to drink well let me tell all of them that you don’t look quite the person you believe you are when you are passed out in a pool of vomit !

Refusing to fall into line with everyone else when it comes to college drinking and partying can change the world, one enlightened student at a time.

The “Last” Year

2011 was crap…It was a big stupid year full of big stupid things. Thus I shall not waste time on those year ending lists and “best and worst of 2011 stuff “.

As 2012 is just round the corner now is a good time to pretend that 2011 never happened and look forward to the last year of the world… So instead of reviewing the previous year I am going to look ahead…

Here is what my 2012 will look like…

January 1st – The official first day of 2012…I will mostly debate with myself on having a new year resolution…giving into the pressure of having one ( as not having one will make me an outcast) I will decide upon some rubbish resolutions…most likely –

  1. Will not worry so much – at least not in front of other people.
  2. Keep my opinions to myself – yeah sure !
  3. Stop procrastinating – I think I will start on this one after a week or even a month later.
  4. Read something this year – other than the e-mails, texts, comics & news.

January 1st – After a few hours of waking up I shall write 2011 instead of 2012 and continue to do so for a few more weeks.

January 7th – One week into the new year and I will break all my resolutions.

January 8th – I shall resolve not to make any more resolutions.

January 15th – I shall stare into the sky and ask myself why do I not know how to fly a kite (well I do know how to fly one but I am incapable of flying it for more than 5 minutes) .

January 22nd – My relatives will ask me what I want for my birthday and since I cannot think of something that isn’t extravagant I shall say nothing

January 23rd – My birthday. I receive all of my presents and vow to give everyone a list of what I actually do want next year.

February 5th – I shall vow to successfully complete writing a book and plan an outline of all the characters and story-lines.

February 6th – I shall forget about the book as writing is though and a F.R.I.E.N.D.S marathon is on TV.

March 8th – I will lock myself up in the house and wonder why do people like to paint each other black, silver and gold only to take a bath later and crib about the fact that the colors don’t come off.

April 15th – I shall promise the mirror to lose some weight and walk to the gym.

April 22nd – I will write a post about accepting one’s body and forget about going to the gym.

May 13th – Mother’s Day. Will try to clean the hose but will give up and take mom for lunch instead.

May 30th to June 10th – Will rethink the whole book idea.

June 21st – Longest Day of the year and I will crib about living in the hottest city in the country (this may not be factually correct but Jaipur is the hottest city for me).

July 29th – I will dream about being locked up in a Subway outlet…wake up see the reality, feel bad and eventually have lunch there.

August 2nd – Will feel bad about the fact that instead of gifts some brothers choose to give cash on rakshabandhan.

August 5th – Will spend all the money received on shopping and feel good about the same fact.

September 16th – Will try to convince dad to buy a new car.

September 23rd – Have a long discussion about the car with dad and my elder brother. In the end will be convinced that we don’t need a new one (but will continue to hope for one).

October 7th – Will wish for holidays. As I shall be fed of classes will decide not to go to college for a week and sleep peacefully at home.

October 14th – Shall start cursing the professors for teaching important stuff during my absence and will spend the rest of the month covering up.

November 4th – Will start dropping hints for buying new clothes.

November 11th – Mom will take me clothes shopping and will try to act surprised.

November 13th – Diwali. Will overload my self with sweets and then will spend the rest of the month resisting going into the kitchen.

December 1st – Will decide whether it has been a good year or not. Might be ecstatic or depressed depending upon the decision.

December 21st – According to Mayan prophecies, this will be the end of the world. I use this as an excuse to not buy anyone Christmas presents.

December 22nd – After seeing that the world did not end, I begin shopping for presents.

December 28th – I make another stupid list about 2013. Spoiler alert: It’s, most likely, the exact same list.

Happy new year :)

Relatively Speaking

Family or “nuclear” family is the term used to describe the closest of your kin. Sometimes they may unexpectedly go off into fits of laughter or rage depending on the thing you said while passing around stuff at the dining table and this quality is what makes them…ahem…them !

Tolstoy once said that all happy families are alike…that is mostly true as all families are usually 10 seconds away from either ripping each others heads off or laughing their asses off !

Remember the time when mom was mad at dad who was in turn sick of the children whining because they were not allowed to eat cake before lunch…this was what Sundays were mostly about ! This must have happened once at least in your childhood. See all families are the same – insane, crazy and super fun…

The word nuclear makes your family seem radio active and atomic…like all countries around the world are trying to get their hands on…but you wouldn’t want that because however annoying or super annoying they may seem ( depending on the way you look at them ) you totally love them and would do anything for them :) Somewhere even you know Blood is thicker than annoying “

Families are great but that doesn’t mean that they don’t know how to push your buttons…they tend to have an overwhelming power over you…Mom needs you. Right now. and Boom you go from checking facebook to clearing the table in 5 minutes flat because mom was starting to get mad at you since you were not helping..I can hear her voice ringing in my ears now..”Ms Aakanksha Sharma will you just set the table BEFORE everyone gets here.”  See, moms have this magic power that makes you feel like you are 10 years old…forever ! This being said, she also knows which cup I like my milk in and how I once mentioned I needed an orange bed-sheet and within two weeks my bed had one :)

The holiday season just went and that meant a LOT of family time together…diwali ( and even thanksgiving ) does put up this front of spending time with family and the importance of togetherness but in reality all we want to do is to eat up those sweets and finish up the rituals so that we can run away to a friend’s place to burst crackers. Away from the family. Because all said and done we need a break. from the LOVE…

Don’t feel so bad…this is a phase that happens with everybody…I am sure our parents were like this too…It runs in the family !

And as far as spreading the love is concerned..well I am tuned into Modern Family till the next holiday season ;)

Who are you inside ?

Well even tough I am no one to give someone advice related to positive or negative thinking…based on the random comments I hear all the day long, here’s a comparative list between Optimistic Olive  and  Pessimistic Pam.

Find out who are you inside…

1. Someone walks by and says, “TGIF!!”

OO – Woohoo!! Weekend ahead and I’m going to enjoy every minute of it!!

PP – Yeah, but in two more days, I’m going to be back to work, again…this sucks!

2. You hit morning traffic

OO –  Now I just have more time to listen to my morning playlist, yes!!

PP – Stupid traffic, stupid accident that might have cause this stupid traffic!!

3. At lunch, the restaurant is out of your favorite sandwich

OO – Oh well, it just gives me a chance to try something new!

PP – Really?? Don’t you people know how to order enough food to make it            through the lunch rush hour!?!

4. Bank is super busy

OO – It is payday, I will just check my email while I am standing in line.

PP – Holy crap! Does anyone go to the bank any other time, or just when I decide to go!

5. Boss asks you to do something 5 mins before its time to leave

OO- Must be important! I’m going to get it done to keep the boss man happy!

PP- Seriously?? I have been sitting around for the last hour and NOW he asks! That was so done on purpose!!!

6. You win the lottery

OO – Oh my gosh!!! I can’t wait to use the money in so many positive ways! I am going to pick out 10 different charities to help!!

PP – Well, I will most likely end up bankrupt in a couple of years, just like the statistics show !

Don’t be one of those people, that when others see coming….they run and hide, so they don’t have to listen to you and all your negativity! Nobody likes to hear people complain all the time. Don’t pride yourself on being witchy!  You can find rainbows & kittens in everyday, somehow. Sometimes you just have to pull it out from underneath a whole bunch of cow manure!

The Man, The Myth, The Sitcom

Guys like Tim Taylor (Home Improvement), Ray Barone (Everyone Loves Raymond), Charlie and Alan Harper (Two and a Half Men), Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother), Ross Geller(F.R.I.E.N.D.S)  and countless other male sitcom characters make us laugh. They bring joy and humor into our night time line-up. They might even help us forget about some of the stress going on in our lives.

But don’t be fooled! They are up to something more devious than just making you laugh…they are out to make every man look like an idiot…think about it. Each show is roughly the same: idiot husband does something idiotic, tries to hide it from his nanny of a wife who eventually finds out and confronts him, and ends with him having to apologize and promising to do better. Or the eternal bachelor spends night after night after night seducing women, treating them like objects, and never learning his lesson.

These men are helpless, don’t know how to be open and vulnerable, are always doing the stupidest things, and would probably be a dirty, starving, un-groomed hobo if it weren’t for their wife.

And while that might make for a great sitcom, the worst part is…that’s how people now see the male gender…most women start comparing every man they meet to their favorite sitcom man…and this leads to a lot of confusion because guys are nothing like those in the soaps…

The most “single” women I know don’t want a boyfriend or a husband…they just want a son ! (Not that they would admit this) They want somebody who is helpless or worried or confused or just plain simple unorganized…someone like Doug ( from King of Queens ) or Hal ( from Malcom in the Middle )…both these men act like complete wrecks in the absence of their wives…

I would not want my husband to be like that…I would really like to believe that his mother didn’t raise a fool !

And so I will continue to fight against his natural-born nemesis. When the sitcom man tries to convince you that all men are slobs, I’ll like him to show you his well kept house. When the sitcom man tries to make you believe that men are all womanizers, I’ll show you a man who respects women. When he tries to show you that men are helpless, idiotic, selfish and only think with their little head, I’ll like to show you a man who doesn’t need a woman to take care of him like a mother, but a man who wants a woman to share his life with.

Sitcom Man…you are going down!

 

 

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